Oh, the Irony

I created a LOL political picture. Because, well, I couldn't help it, really... http://mine.icanhascheezburger.com/view.aspx?ciid=1997995

Haiku, do you?

After a couple of weeks of spewing rainbows and sunshine, Tiny Hands is showing that even self-motivated change isn't easily come by. Hints of asshole are starting to slip back into his everyday dealings, making me inclined to instigate a Slap Face (TM) match. Douche.

To calm myself, I wrote some haiku:

bubble gum, why do
you stick to my teeth so much?
too young for Freedent

canned sodas brew major
explosions that erupt when
least expected *BRAP*

New Olympic Sport

I totally agree with "The Office" -- Slap Face should be the next sport to be introduced at the Olympics. I think that its Winter Olympics version, Slap Ass, should be introduced in Vancouver in 2010. I'll be there with the US team.

Cue Daniel Powter

This has been a horrible day -- work stress, personal stress. Augh! But the bright light in all of this? The Chili's in my neighborhood now has 1000 Island salad dressing, which I got all over my shirt and pants. I guess I'm the bug today.

Ooo, AWKWARD!

So, maybe Sarah Silverman WAS effing Matt Damon...

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20212329,00.html

I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Wish I would have thought of this...

My friend Ry Guy passed along a new blog to me yesterday, which I have been reading off and on all morning long -- Passive-aggressive Notes. The site is a collection of passive-aggressive notes (see how well the title fits?) folks have left for one another, most often in public places, in substitute for personal confrontations decrying certain behaviors. People are CRAZY!! But I like observing their odd habits. Especially because they make me laugh. Hysterically.

So far, this one is my favorite. An invitation to an office pot luck after talking about bathroom habits? YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS UP! I'm also giggling at the funky food notes because really, who has NOT had his or her nose assualted at work by a less than savory reheated seafood dish? Reminds me of someone I used to work with at a part-time retail job who often and repeatedly would microwave dishes that smelled like a dead racoon. *sigh* People...

I Suck at This

Sooo... I'm not too good at this blogging thing, huh? It's been pretty quiet around my way lately, therefore nothing to write about. I'll work on that this weekend. Happy 4th!!

Not another one

I just heard the news that NBC political analyst Tim Russert passed away at the age of 58. I literally gasped when I heard this. He was one of the rare political journalists who I respected -- he didn't show any bias to a particular party, he asked the hard questions folks wanted to hear the answers to, and he had a clear passion for politics.

Most importantly, he seemed like a nice guy. I remember seeing an interview with him and his father when he released his Big Russ & Me book, and the way he, at the age of 54, still spoke to his father with utmost respect grabbed my attention. My sympathies to his family. A great loss for journalism.

What a week of ginourmous WorldSuck.

Size Matters

I went on a business trip today to Long Island. My boss and I flew JetBlue, and he was flipping through the channels on the return flight. I happened to look up when he passed the TMZ show (which I really dislike depite all of my obsessions with celebrities). This is the image I saw. I laughed until I cried. I love a good midget joke. And I was really tired from being up since 4:15am.

(image courtesy of Getty/TMZ)

Heaven has a new angel

I was all prepared to write a post today about how boring my life is. But I checked my email and just got a message from my friend Kol from college. His little girl had Tay-Sachs disease and while they knew she wouldn't live very long, they didn't know just how short her time with them was. She passed away yesterday afternoon after a short battle with pneumonia. I just remember what a jerk he could be sometimes during school and how this precious little girl turned him into a big ol' softie.

I've gotten news in the past several weeks of other friends' family members passing away -- one young man after a fall and another's father-in-law in a motorcycle accident. While each of these is sad, neither hit me like little Emily's passing. I'm glad that she'll be watching over her parents now.

Chaps my ass...

I read a post on Jenn Lancaster's blog today about debt collectors calling about a $13 credit card bill that was four days late. She give a hilarious rundown of the calls she had to clear up the situation.

This sounds almost exactly like a call I have with my mortgage company around the 8th of every month. I've been unfailingly mailing in my check on the first of the month WHEN I GET PAID for the past three years. Apparently, my mortgage company is under enough pressure from the dire housing market that they feel the need to call anyone whose payments are more than two days past due.

So despite never missing a payment to them or even incurring a late fee, I get a series of calls from them starting on the 8th of the month to bug me for payment. I've asked that they put a note in my file not to call until the 15th or so (if a check is lost in the mail, I want to know).

Last month? Our conversation went like this (I returned their call):

Them: Do you realize this is an attempt to collect a debt?

Me: Yes, the check is in the mail, as it has been on the first of EVERY MONTH FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS! Why am I recently receiving these calls?!

Them: *typing and loud conversations in the background* Oh ma'am, our records show your payment was received today.

Me: Well, wouldn't it have been nice if your payment center linked up with your automatic caller so we could have avoided this unpleasantness? *click*

Chaps my ass.

The Heat is On

So, my AC has about three days of 90-degree weather left in it before it gives up the good fight. Funny, that's about how many days of 90-degree weather we have on tap here. I'm going to bite the bullet and get a new unit (heehee, I said "unit") installed on Friday. I do NOT like to sweat, you know.

There is something about this that makes me laff:

Doctor, Doctor, Gimme the News...

What I first thought was a rousing case of PMS I have since determined is a bad case of COMMON SENSE! Why are people determined to get on my nerves today?! Be warned, idiots.

To each his (or her) own...

So, I came across a photo gallery on Entertainment Weekly's website this morning showing elaborate tattoos folks have gotten of celebrities' faces. Now, I don't have any tats myself, but if/when I get one, it will not be of Alf or Zack Morris (no matter how hunky Mark-Paul Gosselaar remains). My favorite? Chewbacca... on a leg that looks hairy enough to pass for a scalp. Sweet Jesus.

Watching TV *doesn't* keep you fit?!

I joined a gym yesterday -- it's tiny and there were about six people there the entire time I was there signing up and then working out (the trainer guy acted surprised that I was still there). I'm "training" (very loose interpretation of that term) for the Triangle Walk for the Cure on June 14th. A month is enough, right? I just want to make sure I'm not the last person huffing and puffing across the finish line.

After hitting the treadmill (where I watched Reno 911 on closed captioning, which caused me to walk like I was drunk because of my balance issues), I did some crunches on one of those giant balls. I ended up with a cramp in my lower abs that lasted for a good 10 minutes or so. How do you massage that out?? Yet another reason why fat girls don't exercise.

And the winner is...

I'm pleased with American Idol's special guests this year. I don't think I'll be seeing The Love Guru, but Little David's confussion about the bit was priceless.

Welcome back, Michael Johns. I've missed you. Lots.

I've watched the new Guitar Hero commercial a half a dozen times now. Brother's got nice legs. (Let me clarify -- the Cook version. A little disappointed that Archie made one, too, but the boxers were a cute touch. Thanks, Cook for not going that route.)

What's up with the guyliner AGAIN tonight? Is Cover Girl sponsoring this?

Jordan looks like she's dressed for a sixth-grade dance. In 1987.

The Pip business is a bit over the top, but yay for Robert Downey, Jr. You go, Iron Man!

Everyone looks nice in their suits. And the ladies look nice, too. Although Carly should not wear black tights with anything other than a black dress.

Omigod, I just noticed Randy's ascot. Where did that come from, dawg? Thank you, Simon, for apologizing to my boy Cook. You were a little rude last night. (I'm thinking that Simon might have known the outcome and wanted to wipe a little of the egg off his face.)

Congrats, Cook!! WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?! Talk about a dark horse!! AWW YEAH!! The man tears are my Kryptonite!! LOVE HIM!! Loved him since the auditions and really fell for him when he professed he was a Word Nerd. Bursting with pride!!

The folks over at davidcooktheamericanidol.com are experiencing a little trouble; they had it right all along.

Foregone Conclusion

Shouldn't the producers have just gone ahead and dropped the confetti and such on Little David tonight? I'm biased, but I don't see how Archuletta did any better than Cook. I think Simon has/had his panties in a bunch (but thanks for saying how nice and sincere Cook's been throughout the competition). Each time I see Archie (I try to add interest to him with multiple nicknames), I think he's going to pass out. That kid's not going to know what to do with himself if he does win.

GO COOK!! The tears? Got me. I heart Word Nerds. (I'll buy his album whether he wins or not, although I'd rather his first single not be that dreck that he was forced to sing tonight. Can anyone really get behind "You Believe This Is My Moment to Dream Inside Heaven?")

Meanwhile, Seacrest has on some MAJOR guyliner. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

And who on earth at Disney greenlighted that chihuahua movie? Who thought THAT would be a good idea -- did someone have a Taco Bell hangover?

Really? Again?

So, I dug out John Mayer's "Room for Squares" CD this past weekend to listen to one song (Love Song for No One) that is really speaking to me these days. As is part of my nature, I had to listen to the entire CD and found myself feeling the same emotions I felt when I got the CD SEVEN YEARS AGO! Does this feeling that I'm trying to figure things out ever going to go away?! Wallowing...

Season Finale Time

Primetime, we just got you back, and you’re already saying goodbye for the summer? Why?? I missed my most anticipated season finale (“The Office”) last night because of a concert (The Swell Season, from the two folks in “Once;” they were incredible and just as charming as their Oscar acceptance speeches). By the time I got home and fired up my DVR, it was 11:40, but I persevered (I am nothing if not self-sacrificing).

Ah, “The Office,” how do I love thee? Last night’s episode left me equal parts giddy (Kevin being special needs, Angela and Dwight caught in a compromising position) and a little depressed (Andy stealing Jim’s thunder, Michael getting excited about Jan’s baby). I’m glad that Jim had a little time to prank Dwight – I miss those days. Apparently Dwight is just as cavalier about his cell phone as Andy; shouldn’t he know by now not to leave things lying around lest Jim get a hold of them? The redirected calls were classic, in particular Jim’s conversation with Dwight’s mutter. Side note: Cell phone earpieces drive me bonkers, hate 'em.

Pam is finally stepping out of her comfort zone and going to design school, although I’m not sure what kind of program she’ll be in that takes only three months. Can I sign up for that? Jim’s support is a breath of fresh air – it’s nice to have a couple that isn’t fraught with drama every time they turn around. Am I the only one who thought that Jim had put Pam’s engagement ring in the vending machine? Something tells me that the three months she’s in NY will be the same three months that Jim will be filling in for Ryan, who was ceremoniously ousted last night for fraud after having sales reps enter personal sales in via the Dunder Mifflin website (loved the YouTube video of the police escorting him out of the office). Oscar was right on when he said the biggest crime was Ryan's beard. Jim’s messages about fighting his attempted ousting and then the snide remark that Ryan’s hands must be tied at the moment had me swelling with pride – it’s nice to see him motivated.

Oh Ryan, how far you’ve come – once a meek temp, now a great big, giant douche (GBGD) who tried to get my man Jim fired. The universe has rules, son, and you are just getting a taste of its justice. More will follow when Kelly visits prison in her best track suit (squealed with laughter at that one) and all of the other prisoners give him hell for her being so hot. Oh Kelly, to live a day in your mind…

Question: How funny was it when Phyllis knocked Angela’s books to the ground after finding out the latter shredded her vendor lists? Answer: Hi-larious! Same answer can apply to Meredith, Dwight and Mose putting the racoon in Holly's car. How was that the first thing they decided on to haze her?!

But the real action was taking place in the HR department. Boring Toby, who proved a perfect (if bland) nemesis for Michael, really IS going to Costa Rica. Wonder what’s going on down there (maybe I missed that during the inappropriate touching episode)? Anyway, his replacement, Holly, connected with Michael on a weird level involving Yoda talk and a disassembled ergonomic chair. Their flirting was fun, especially because this was one of the first times a woman has actually fallen for Michael right away, too. God bless Jim for talking Michael out of declaring his love for her immediately. A little restraint, please Michael!

These discussions with Michael helped Jim decide exactly how he was going to propose to Pam – as part of Toby’s going away party. He funded fireworks for the evening, to Phyllis’s surprise, and decided to add to his list of Pam-fueled office memories with a quiet nighttime proposal. But of course that wasn’t to happen (and I have to say, I’m a little happy about that because I’d rather they have a private moment off camera). Stupid, overeager Andrew Bernard made a mess of things just as Jim was fishing the ring out of his pocket. Barreling to the stage to take control of the mic (and in the process bring Darryl’s keyboard crashing to the ground), Andy proposed to Angela (response: “okay”) with a ring he’s been carrying in his wallet for SIX YEARS. I find myself wondering why on earth Andy’s parents were at Toby’s party; I guess that’s just another indication of what an odd bird he is. But like magnets, Angela and Dwight couldn’t stay away from one another… I am desperately hoping for a reconciliation over the summer!

My heart broke a little for Michael when Jan explained that the bun in the oven isn’t his. That poor man wants kids just about as much as he needs air. What a cruel twist – denying him a chance to be a father while they were together (“you made me wear two condoms”) only to seek out a sperm donor. Jan is a piece of work! And to further twist the knife by asking him to join her at Lamaze? Inexcusable. I can’t bear to write anymore about this development, especially after Michael’s closing remark that he is going to sorta be a daddy. *sigh* Kudos to the writers for humanizing such an unlikeable character.

So, where will the next few months take our beloved Mifflinites? September is so far away!